


Sly and Ty and Sonic: Menage A Trois

by Godahl



Series: Genderqueer Sly Cooper Stories [4]
Category: Sly Cooper (Video Games), Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types, Ty the Tasmanian Tiger (Video Games)
Genre: Cell Phone, Conversation, Crime, Crimes & Criminals, M/M, Multi, OT3, criminal, pickpocket
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-03-19 16:30:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13708296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Godahl/pseuds/Godahl
Summary: This is a story about Sly Cooper, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Ty the Tasmanian Tiger dealing with their mutual attraction to each other. It is told from the perspective of Sly Cooper as he goes about his day job as a thief while talking on the phone. Enjoy.





	1. Ty the Tasmanian Tiger has a Request

Sly glanced at a tourist. The tourist had a bill rich wallet in his pocket. Sly approached. “Yes, I know fresh bread makes noise when you squeeze it, I've seen Ratatouille, love,” Sly said.

“I know, but it was so cool to actually hear it myself! Like, oh man, I'm becoming a French chef!” said Ty on the other end of the phone. He laughed.

Sly shrugged and stood behind the tourist. “How do you know if meat is fresh?” The tourist glanced at Sly. Sly made no eye contact.

“If it smells bad. Excuse me, if it doesn't smell bad.”

“Oh. Yeah, I guess that'd be a giveaway.” The tourist turned back around and Sly stuck two fingers in his pocket and pulled out the wallet. They walked away from the tourist, still on their phone.

“Do you know how you tell if a waiter is fresh?” Ty asked.

“That's a question, yes, okay, how?” Sly pulled the money out of the wallet, wiped the wallet on their clothes, and threw the wallet on the ground. They put the money in their side pocket. They kept walking.

“If he talks back to you.”

“Oh.” Sly looked around, passing a coffee shop to their left. Sly walked in. “Oh!” Sly said, and chuckled. “That's pretty good.”

“Yeah. Here's another. What do chefs use to play craps?”

Smiling, Sly saw a lady beside an open purse at one of the tables. She busied herself with her laptop. Sly approached her. “How?” The woman didn't look at them.

“Diced vegetables. Like dice.”

“Oh. Hmm.” Sly stuck a hand in her purse and pulled out a cell phone.

“That was my reaction too.” Ty said.

Sly turned off the phone, put it in their pocket, and walked out the Starbucks. “Yeah, that's a good one.” Sly sniffed. “What do you call a sexy seagull?” they asked. A big man wearing a fancy suit walked toward Sly on the sidewalk. Sly’s step faltered a bit.

“Oh man, what?” asked Ty.

“A bae-gul.” Sly bumped into the big man. He gave them a look. Sly patted him on the chest. When the man turned away, Sly pulled a wallet out his pants pocket with the same hand.

“What? Oh, like bagel!” Ty laughed out loud on the other end, and said, “You need to find a way to work the bagel pun into the setup!”

Sly turned their head to a line outside the Pub at Rookwood Mews. They got in back of the line. “What do you mean?” they asked.

“Like, the setup should have some indication the punchline is gonna involve bagels! Like, ‘what do you call a sexy seagull at the bakery,’ that would work better.”

“Well, I just thought of it off the top of my head.” Sly looked down at the person in front of them. A skinny dude, with his hands in his pockets. Sly shook their head and turned around.

“That's an impressive talent!” said Ty.

Two shaggy people got in line behind Sly. One talked to the other, gesticulating. “My boyfriend loves puns too,” Sly said.

“Puns are gay culture!” Ty laughed. “Your boyfriend’s nice.”

“Yeah, I'm real lucky.” Sly walked past the two shaggy people, pulling out each one’s wallet while passing by. The two stopped talking for a bit, but didn't react to the theft. Sly walked on a bit, turned a corner, and stuck the money in their backpack.

“You know what rules?” Ty giggled, “Ancient Greece.”

Sly walked on, approaching the last pinball parlor in the city. They walked in. “Oh yeah,” Sly said, “Classic gay haven.”

“I’ve heard differently? I’m not too sure. But I mean, there's so much hilarious literature from the period!”

“Oh, I bet! I'm not too familiar, actually.” Sly walked behind a high school kid playing Invasion From Mars. The kid had a roll of quarters on the side of the table. He stared at the table, hands on the flipper buttons, twitching.

“Come by some time, I'll show you my collection. We can do a Plato reading together! On rainy days, I like to just relax with Socrates,” Ty said.

Sly took the quarter roll off the table. The kid kept on playing, eyes on the ball. Sly left the pinball parlor. “You know what books I love? Pulp fantasy novels.”

“Lame.”

“No, they’re good! Those can be gay culture too, I think.” Sly passed by the bus stop leading to the college area. They paused there.

“I think my literature is more intellectual, Sly!”

Sly sat down at the bus stop and looked around. No one waited around them, but a pink haired girl with a purse approached from the distance. Sly looked at the ground. “I mean, the Iliad is pretty violent I hear. I dunno, it doesn’t mean anything to me if Achilles cuts off orc heads instead of Trojans.”

“Uh, well, maybe, Sly, I don’t like fantasy stuff!”

“Isn’t Greek mythology fantasy, though?” The pink haired girl stood next to Sly at the bus sign. Sly glanced down the street. The bus to college campus approached. They got up, stood behind the pink haired girl, lifted a hand, and stuck two fingers in her purse. They pulled out a phone.

“It’s religion, Sly! You wouldn’t call the Bible a fantasy novel would you?”

“I bet some people would! I mean, it’d be pretty patronizing and self-congratulatory, but still.” The pink haired girl got on the bus. Sly turned around and walked toward the library. 

“Yeah, I mean, I’m not a Christian, but there are limits, dude. No one cares that you’re an atheist.”

“Honestly, calling the Bible any kind of novel is sort of a stretch.” Sly entered the library, walked up to the computer lab, and sat down. They looked around. Behind them was a man sitting on a chair next to a backpack. Sly took off their own jacket and hung it on their own chair.

“I mean, literally, yeah.” He sighed. “Listen, Sly.”

Sly reached a hand behind them under their jacket and unzipped the backpack. “What is it?” they asked.

“Could we go out sometime? Like on a date?”

Sly’s hand stopped a moment. “I don't think my boyfriend would like that much.” Their hand felt around the contents of the backpack, resting on a laptop.

“Well, Sly, Uh,” Ty paused, “You do have… two hands, you know?”

Sly grasped the laptop and lifted it out. It weighed their hand down pretty heavy. “I don't see Sonic ever going for that. You seem nice, but I don't…”

“Well, have you asked him? He might be okay with it.”

“Well, it never occurred to…” Sly pulled the laptop out and moved their jacket over it so it was hidden.

“Ask him! Ask him right now.”

Sly put the jacket in their own bag, got out their chair, and walked toward the exit. “Oh, Uh.”

“Give him a call right now. The worst he can say is no!” Ty laughed.

“Well, okay, I guess I can ask.” A woman with a thick purse walked through the library doors. A hundred dollar bill stuck out. Sly walked past, and turned around without exiting.

“Call him. Let me know right after! Love you babe, bye.” Ty hung up.

Sly walked toward the lady. She paused at the elevator. Sly stood right behind. Sly dialed Sonic.

“Hey, cutie! What's it hanging?” asked Sonic, picking up.

The lady glanced behind her. Sly looked away, and saw the man with the backpack talking to the receptionist. “Hey, baby. I've got a question for you.”

“Sure, shoot!”

Sly watched as the receptionist looked around. She took a phone from the side of her desk and dialed a number. “What do you call a sexy seagull at the bakery?” The man in the backpack glanced in Sly’s direction.

“Haha,” Sonic said, “Okay, what?”

“A bae-gull.” Sly said, pulled the hundred dollar bill out the lady's purse in a swift motion, and walked toward the exit.

Sonic chortled over the phone. He laughed so loud his voice cracked. He gasped for air. “That’s okay.”

Sly glanced to the art display. A bearded man took a photo with his phone, and put it in his jacket pocket. Sly paused, then walked in his direction. “Just okay?”

“Just okay. What do you call seagull meat in a bun?”

“Hmm,” Sly said, pausing behind the bearded man and sniffing his cologne. “I dunno, what?”

“A birb-ger.”

“Nice, babe. Do…” Sly reached in front of the man, not receiving any reaction in turn, and pulled out his phone.

“Hey, I thought that was pretty good, lovely.”

Sly moved away from the bearded man and looked around. The receptionist kept talking to the man with the laptop. Sly turned to the exit. “It was, it was. Sorry, don’t mean to be rude.”

“I’m just being mean, you’re not rude. Sorry, I cut you off. You were going to say something?”

Sly took a brisk pace toward the library exit. “Do you mind if I get something to eat without you? I'm pretty hungry, I don't think I can wait.”

“Sure babe, I'll just get myself something here.”

“Thanks.” A security worker waited at the exit, talking into a cell phone. Sly kept walking. “It means a lot to me.”

“Sure. See you, babe.”

“Bye.” Sly hung up and dialed Ty again. The security guard got off his phone and walked toward them. Sly kept walking, not changing their speed.

“Hey, Sly!” Ty answered on the other end. “What'd he say?”

Security walked right by Sly. They glanced back. Security walked up to the receptionist and the backpack man and started talking. Sly left the library. “He said no.”

“What a cocksucker!”

“I know, he said those kinds of relationships weren't easy.” Sly walked down the street toward the pawn shop.

“Nothing in life is easy!” said Ty.

“I know, I know. Sorry.” Sly walked past another man in the suit, but didn't pause. “Don't worry, you'll find someone. I like you fine, I'm sure other people do, too.”

“Whatever. See you, Sly.”

“Oh? Well, see you, babe.” Sly entered the pawn shop. Twenty dollars for each phone, seventy five dollars for the laptop. The shop owner didn't ask questions. Sly left, and walked to the nearest fast food place and bought a burrito. It tasted like filth.


	2. All Caught Up and Nowhere to Run to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonic reveals what he knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this chapter done for months and I only just now realized I never uploaded it. I'll do the last chapter soon, it was always meant to be a three chapter story.

“Well, heck, why not join the Marines if you aren’t afraid of death?” Sly walked through the revolving door, their hand wiping a wallet on their pants. 

“Because he’s dying, Sly. My dad’s dying of cancer. Also, he’s eighty. That’s why he can’t join the Marines, Sly. The Marines don’t enlist eighty year olds or people with cancer, Sly,” said Sonic the Hedgehog, laughing.

Sly tossed the wallet on the ground next to a trash can and walked on. “Right, conflict of interest.”

“Man, I can’t imagine not being afraid of death. My dad’s fucked up.”

“Death isn’t scary. It’s like taking a nap.” Sly sat down at the bus stop and looked around. A man in rags on one end, a lady with tight pants next to them, a homeless man approaching from behind. Sly got up and walked down the street.

“No it isn’t, Sly, it most certainly isn’t. It’s like taking a nap, but you don’t wake up. And I assume you don’t dream, Sly. It’s like your mind isn’t there. You don’t find that terrifying?”

A bus approached from further down. Sly turned and walked back to the bus stop. “Not really. If it scares you, though, hey, how about religion?”

“Oh, fine. I guess. Even if I’m dead forever, least I’ll have Jesus.”

“You don’t have to find Jesus. Worship Thor and Odin. Heck, make your own religion. Worship Dracula, or the Cabbage Patch Kids.” Sly watched people exit the bus. One man got out wearing a tuxedo. Another man came out wearing a diamond encrusted watch. Sly stayed off the bus.

“I’m not worshipping the fucking Cabbage Patch Kids, Sly. Dracula would be fine.”

Sly walked toward the watch wearing man and faltered and tripped. The watch man leaned down but Sly caught themself. “I think in the original book, Dracula actually did have a religion.”

“I guess that would explain why he’s allergic to crosses? He’s religiously intolerant, I think, uh... no, actually, I remember reading Dracula, and I don’t think what you’re saying actually happens in the text.”

“It was a while ago when I read it. I dunno.” Sly grabbed the watch man’s arm and pulled themself up. They held onto his wrist, but looked away from his eyes. Their fingers fiddled a little with his arm.

“I liked Frankenstein better.”

Sly let go of the man’s arm and walked away. They walked forward a couple paces and looked back. The watch man was walking away in the other direction. Sly put his watch in their pocket. “My ex boyfriend hated that novel.”

“I see why you broke up now.”

“He thought the monster should be less sympathetic.” Sly walked toward the tuxedo man from the bus. He jogged away. Sly walked faster and closed in.

“Well, if he’s pan enough to date you, shouldn’t he want to be able to sympathize with monsters? That’s classic LGBT culture, right there,” Sonic said.

Sly walked right behind the tuxedo man. The two of them approached a crosswalk. “I mean, I wasn’t out at the time.”

“Well… oh. I mean, I should talk, I’ve dated a woman before.”

“Being closeted is weird.” The tuxedo man stopped while a string of cars drove by. Sly brushed their shirt against his. They took a sniff of his shoulder. They put two fingers in his pocket, turned around, and walked away.

“We’re still friends, actually. She brought her girlfriend over for Scrabble one time. Terf though.”

“She,” Sly said, walking down the street, wallet in hand. They glanced back at the tuxedo man. He went across the crosswalk and walked away. “...Can go fuck herself.”

“I know, but my mom likes her.”

“Yeah, sad.” Sly entered the Bronze Brothers Bakery and looked around. The cashier glanced at them, then looked down at her phone. A couple of women sat together in a booth. A man wearing a green vest sat at a table by himself, talking on the phone. Sly sat next to him. “Your parents are pretty shitty.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Sly looked at the man. He had a lump in his back pocket. Sly put their jacket over their chair. “I mean, if she doesn’t mind your ex is a terf, she’s a shitty person.”

“I fucking love my mom, Sly.”

“Hang on, I thought you said your parents were shitheads a while back?” Sly put their free hand under the jacket and brushed the man’s behind. He kept talking on his phone.

“I said my dad was a shithead, Sly, I fucking love my mom!”

Sly poked their fingers in the pocket. They grasped the man’s wallet with their fingers and pulled. “It’s funny, I hate my mom but I love my dad.”

“It’s not fucking funny, Sly. Fuck you.”

“What? Fuck me for what?” The man with the vest stood up. Sly released the wallet and pulled their hand back. The wallet fell on the floor. The vest man turned around.

“For saying my mom’s shitty, Sly! That’s fuck you for what!”

Sly said nothing. The man in the vest stared at them. Then he stared at the wallet. Then he stared at Sly.

“My mom is fucking awesome, okay? Who cares what she thinks of terfs?”

Sly smiled at the man in the vest. He smiled back, picked up his wallet, and left. Sly sighed. “I care what your mom thinks of terfs, Tony. Cause if you put up with people who put up with terfs, I’m worried you won’t put up with me.”

“Fuck you, Sly. I hate terfs too, but I love my mom.”

Sly got up and glanced at the women in the booth. Then they looked at the cashier. She stared at Sly. “Well, tell your mom she should hate terfs as well.”

“Listen, Sly, you’re a piece of shit. You know that?” said Sonic.

Sly left the bakery. “You too.”

“No, Sly, I mean it. You lie like folks are throwing lying to the dogs.”

“Well, woof, woof.” Sly walked past the bakery windows and rounded a corner. A lady with a backpack-sized purse crossed the street and walked behind them. They slowed their pace.

“Sly, I mean it. I’m serious. I fucking hate you.”

The lady with the purse passed Sly. “I hate you too, Sonic.” Sly quickened their pace and got right behind the lady.

“And I think Ty hates you too.”

Sly stopped in their tracks. The lady got a few feet’s distance from them. They started walking again. “What’s Ty said about me?”

“He said you told me the three of us were going to get together as a menage a trois, and I said no.”

Sly matched the purse lady’s pace, but their hand held tense at their side.

“You didn’t tell me, and I wouldn’t have said no, Sly,” said Sonic.

“I’m sorry,” Sly said. The lady tilted her head but didn’t turn around.

“No you’re not.”

Sly stared at the ground. They slowed their pace. “I’m sorry.”

“Fuck you, why’d you do it then?”

“I’m sorry.” Sly quickened their pace again till they were right next to the lady, their free hand brushing against her purse.

“Stop saying sorry! Say why you did it fuck for shit! If you’re not--” Sly hung up the phone.

They looked at the sky. They put their phone in their pocket, with the watch. They sniffed a scent of rosy perfume. Looking the opposite direction, they stuck their hand in the lady’s purse, pulled out a tablet, stuck it in their backpack, slowed their pace, and glanced at her. She just walked on. Nick slowed to a stop. She walked on, passing the street, passing a bus stop, turned a corner, and she was gone.


End file.
